Road Blogged at Rush Hour

Back by Popular Demand

2009-12-03T16:23:00.001-08:00

I'm starting to feel a little like Amitabh Bachchan now. Rukta hi nahi hai types... As in I've been blogging on and off for the past god knows how many years...but then everytime I stop blogging, two years later, and boom, back with another lousy post.

Anyway, for those of you who wanted to know what I've been doing these past 2 years, well, I've quit work, read a few books, visited a few hundred websites, learnt about twitter, opened a facebook account, moved to Kolkata, and oh I've been working on an MBA from an IIM too (arre padosi ki ladki ki maa...zara suno mera laal kahaan se padke aaya hai... :) ).

Well, studying here has had its pro's and cons. Pro's mostly, but some cons too. Mostly with regards to the relationships I've had in the past. For all those family members, friends, acquaintances and pets who's weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, deaths, graduations etc I have missed, I am extremely sorry. It was not my intention to, and it was a combination of lack of time, money, memory and my personality that made my lack of presence possible. However, do know that I have nothing but your best interests in my heart at all times and you're all remembered in my prayers (I'm now offering a "Get prayed for daily pack" at only $5.99 per annum).

But, as I said, it was not my intention to miss all the important events in your life as you're important to me. For all those of you who won't talk to me without my presence there, I'd love to attend if you ever get married again, have another birthday, graduate twice or die again. For the rest who've not given up on me yet, thanks for understanding. And for everyone, I'll make it to the rest of yours and your kids and your kids kids functions.

But until that happens, please know that I'm still very much there and still very concerned about your well being. So if you've had any reason to come down to Kolkata and have been putting it off until my departure from this place, please don't. I would love to meet you guys. And for all those invites in the past years I couldn't honour...ticket bhej do yaar. I'll come. Kasam jhumritalaiyya ki.

Parley??

2007-06-15T05:58:00.000-07:00

Shoot him in the head. Then cut out his tongue and shoot him in the tongue.

- Captain Jack Sparrow.

If you're not spending your life licking Cerelac off the bottom of a plastic bowl, you've probably realised by now that I've seen Pirates of the Caribbean : At World's End. For the statistically inclined, that's Part 3 of the trilogy. And honestly speaking, I enjoyed it as much as I enjoy most movies I watch. Which is why when most of my friends walk up to me and tell me that they hated the movie, I look at them like they just ate a lizard for breakfast or something...probably had a cockroach to spice it up too. Damn critics.

Now I know most of you might call me biased, because I loved the pirates as a series on the whole and thought it was an exceptional piece of sarcastic movie making at it's best. And maybe everyone's allowed to have an opinion as to their likes or dislikes, but honestly, the comments the lizard eaters come up with when I ask them what they didn't like...I swear...at times it makes me wonder...why oh why weren't they eaten by the lizard first.

I mean some people actually told me that it was too "unrealistic". According to them it was more like a fairy tale. Hey smartass, now you know "who" I was referring to when I was talking about licking cerelac off the plastic bowls don't you?? Heck, you ever seen a pirate in real life?? No?? A Pirate Ship? No right?? A 100 metre long Giant Squid?? Probably no again?? A Giant squid eating a pirate stranded on a pirate ship?? That's a downright guaranteed No!!! So how on earth did you end up at the theatre... knowing... that the movie... was a sequel to a sequel to a movie.... that contained all these.... and still.... expect the movie to be REALISTIC????? Were you high when you booked the tickets or something?? You want realism, go watch cookery videos where they show you how to make Baked Potatoes and Curd Salad. That's realism at it's best you retard. Don't go watch the pirates!!! And if you do, and it flew over your head, then well..there's always the cerelac. Just don't come telling me you didn't like the movie, coz I'll probably end up telling you that you need to add more milk in the plastic bowl because the powder is all sticking to your mouth. Moron!!!

That apart, It's been quite a long time since I've posted anything of note which is kind of embarrassing considering that I generally write a lot in my spare time. But that's not my excuse. I do have other interests that I have to devote my time and attention to. I criticise the government and curse my friends. I throw rotten eggs over the neighbours compound wall and tape record him in the morning cursing HIS neighbours who he thinks are insensitive because they throw rotten eggs over his compund wall. I swear at rugby matches on ESPN because I can't understand a darn thing when I watch and I giggle whenever I see our PM Manmohan Singh ji's beard bob up and down when he's giving a speech. Yes, there's plenty of stuff to keep me busy. So for all of you out there who ask me why I don't post more often, the answer is simple. Because I keep myself engrossed making the world a more interesting place to live in....for me of course. I believe the others are here just to provide me with entertainment. (would've been awfully boring if I didn't have someone to irritate. Besides, it isn't a very bright idea to curse and throw rotten eggs at oneself. And it'd probably stink too. Savvy??)

Smile Ok Please!! Say Cheese....

2007-05-21T12:52:00.000-07:00

Digicams are the latest craze to hit the town. A surprisingly large number of my friends have asked for my "valuable" inputs on which camera to buy, megapixels and zoom and all. Now giving out all this advise to so many people is kind of against my nature, because as a matter of principle, I for one do believe that too much work is actually detrimental. So as a true disciple of the "laziness pays off now" policy, I am posting my views here as a tribute to all wannabe advise-seekers.

1. How many megapixels is good?

Good question. But wrong person to ask. I am by nature an ugly dude. Look at the picture on the left for reference...no, he's not me, but he's cute by my standards. So, irrespective of how many megapixels you shoot me at, it's gonna stay the same. The camera isn't going to improve the way I...or for that matter you (no offense intended)...look!!!. If you wanna take it from me, honestly speaking, buy the lowest clarity camera you can find. For best results,use plenty of make-up, darken the room till you can barely see your hands, don't use the flash and if possible try shaking the camera while you're clicking for a fantastic motion effect which blurs the ugliness so much that you can pass it off as bad cameramanship. (Hey....what do you prefer...stupid photo or ugly face??? My choice was made in a second.... The defense rests !!)

2. What about zoom? Digital or Optical?? 3X or 12X ??? Confusion!!!

Take my word for it and skip the zoom. I mean everybody has a level of comfort. Personality development books call it comfort zone. And when you look like me, you wanna make sure everyone stays as far away from it as possible. I mean as if the fact that you're looking evil from far off isn't enough, why do you want to close in on it? I say you'd probably get a camera cheaper without the zoom. Use the extra money to buy a mask or something and you'll thank me later. Honest.

3. Should I buy a 512 MB memory card or a 1 GB one?

That one's a technical question really. But you're lucky I studied engineering, so I can answer that with relative ease though you'll have to kind of follow my journey through the planes of common sense on the path to enlightenment. The answer my friend, is simpler than you'd think. It depends. Primarily, on the quantity of ugliness you want to store. If we get down to the technical aspects of it, if you want to store 200 visualisations of ways you did not want to look... (or 200 stupid photos if you read point 1 above and implemented it) ...then a 512 MB is enough. Else buy a 1 GB. But I really wouldn't recommend that without a certain degree of corrective surgery done first. Hope you get the picture...I mean point. And for sake of added emphasis...I implore you to yet again (yes, make an effort if you have to...) look at the picture on the left and then think about me. Do you "really" think you "really" want to store 200 more like those?

4. What is an SLR? Is it good? Some people tell me it's the best. Should I buy one?

Boy, you sure are getting technical really quickly aren't you? Man, I shouldn't have told you about the engineering stuff. Anyway, here goes. SLR stands for Single Lens Reflex. For those not initiated in tech talk yet, it means there's a mirror inserted in between the film and the lens to give you a clearer image. But tell me honestly, when the very thing we're trying to do, is blur out the image, why would you want a clearer picture of it? And if you ask me, a pig looks like a pig...look at it through a lens or through a mirror, whichever have you... it ain't gonna change the way it looks.

5. What about price? What budget should I look for??

You sure are persistent aren't you? Anyway, if you've read all this way then know this, a haircut costs 50 bucks and facials about 200. Get a deal on the cosmetics and you're still paying lesser than you might for a camera. Of course, that also depends on the "degree" that the face looking back at you from the mirror needs working on. But in the long run, I'd figure you're better off investing in Laboratories Garnier than on Canon.

6. So what do I do now?? You're not helping you know!!!

Hey...I just speak the truth. Like it or leave it. Besides, look at it this way, people like us...yep, you and me...we gotta watch the mirror every day. Why oh why, would you wanna make it worse by etching it indelibly in print? Make sense huh? But anyway, if you're the kind who grew up eating chalk pieces in class and really feel the need to buy one, then buy a Nikon Coolpix L11. And for those of you who were paying special attention to the SLR question, but subsequently had all your logical reasoning neurons karataed out of you by a Bruce Lee look alike at the neighbourhood soup stall, go ahead and take a look at the Nikon DSLR X40. Rest of you guys who've found their way to Moksha through this blog (ok, the mask buyers... you can count yourselves in too) ...don't feel down. Keep watching Michael Jackson. If he has hope, so do we!!!

In loving memory of Dopey

2007-05-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: One of my friends wanted me to write something about the government. I tried explaining that it's hopeless but she wanted me to anyway. So here are my thoughts. You might find them out of sync with my previous posts. So if you want to skip this one, please feel free to do so. Comments as usual are welcome.

I have a pet on my desk. His name is Dopey. He looks dead to me. He probably was when I got him. But he symbolises to me the way we lead out our lives. One look at him and it's enough to remind me that whatever I'm doing is totally unnecessary and if it takes too much effort on my part, it probably is just that....too much effort. But don't blame me because I'm not the only one guilty here. Everybody to one extent or the other, follows the Dopey principle. See no evil, and keep it that way.

I mean well, I'm not totally unresponsive. I see a terrorist planting a bomb in a car, I don't just stand and watch. I do something. I back away a bit lest I get hurt by the shrapnel. But that's about the extent of my efforts. Because I am a law abiding citizen. I do just what the government would have done in the same situation. And anybody who thinks otherwise, I dare him to prove me wrong.

Potholes on the road and people swerving at high speeds to avoid them increasing the probability of squashing the old lady trying to cross!! Who does anything? Where is the highways department? You think something's gonna be done don't you, yep, optimistic race that we are. I know otherwise. They're like Dopey. I just avoid the potholes like everyone. I swerve all the same and hope that somebody's already squashed the old lady before I get there. The government's facing a population crisis anyway. And don't worry about the mess on the road once she's run over. The Muncipality is probably going to clean it up in a week or so, or it'll rot and disappear anyway. Much like everything else does around here.

There is a line outside the electricity office. People are queing up to pay the bill. Why should they queue up? I thought it was computerised now. Seems the operators were faster doing it manually than on a computer. But you can't fire them can you? Or else the people will get enraged. The old man with the tiffin box in hand doesn't mind standing in line. He's probably part of a government office too. It doesn't matter to him whether he's late to work or not. As long as the people struggling with PC's at the counter have their jobs, he's going to have his. He's safe till the next elections. He can stand in line. He's helping create one someplace else where he probably does the same thing. Why do I care? I don't have to stand in line. I try and scan the place for a guy who looks like Dopey. He'll be there. I know that as much as every one of us does. He's there everywhere. You just have to keep your eyes open. I find him near the gate. 20 bucks extra ensures my Bill is paid before the others. I am free to go. No queues here. I walk past the line. The queue is longer. The old man is still there, sweating it out now. The tiffin has gone above his head trying to block out the sun. I smile at him when I walk past. Thank you Dopey.

The railways, the ministries, the police, the roads, the ration shops, the bureaucracy, everybody. And his Royal Highness just sleeps on. On my desk. And I stop working and think. Well, why not? It's working for him isn't it? Look how peaceful he is. He's been sleeping for an eternity. And he probably always will.

Impressionism Anyone ??

2007-05-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

Google Adsense.

Google Analytics.

Like everything else that's been "Google'd" nowadays, and so has my blog mind you, google now has a tool to direct visitors to my page. Took me a month to figure out that Google Analytics just analysed who read my blog (which is nobody) rather than direct readers to it (which is also nobody). So basically, I spent a day and a half of my time trying to reach out to nobody only to find out nobody was there already. But in a nutshell, I found out that putting up my blog address on my gmail status (ironically also by google) roped in far more visitors in a week, than adsense did in a month. So that was that.

Anyway, one of those readers who did happen to chance by my blog told me that I write like an "impressionist". Now that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me either. I mean she might have as well told me that my blog contains "traces of neonatal post renaissance inferences" for all the sense it made in the world to me. It's like you're walking along downtown New Delhi one day and a Chinese guy walks up and tells you in stuttering French that the way to Nigeria is through determination. The only thing you can say then is "Duh!!"

But I'm not one of those who is prone to saying "Duh!!" that often, so I just stared with my mouth wide open. Not one to let bygones go, I googled (note the irony here too) up "impressionism" to find out what it really meant. What I got was that it was mostly authors who conveyed the subjects feelings instead of objects and incidents, and that it was mostly Ukranians who did it. (Wonder why the Chinese fella was trying to send me to Nigeria then. I don't know anybody settled in Nigeria, let alone Ukranian immigrants). But to cut a long story short, now armed with the knowledge of what impressionism was, I wanted to find out if stuff I wrote here, was really impressionism. One look at the blog was enough to make me go...."Blimey!!! No way bub!!"

I mean look at it. Does anything I ever write resemble impressionism? I mean I talk about girls and ugly chicks and their figures and stupid people and their dumbness and the stupidity of Bill Clinton and the way my roommate's face resembles a cow's hindquarters. I mean there is no way that can be called impressionistic. The only impression i ever got out of that was an outline of a foot on my hindquarters after my roommate read what I had written and planted his forelegs on my bumper. Now If I were to sit back and think what I was actually feeling when I wrote all that, all the blog would have had would be "hee hee .... tee hee hee... Damn!!! ha ha ... Oh my god!!! Hehe". But you're not reading through pages and pages of "hee hee ha ha" are you? That proves it doesn't it??

I rest my case milord.

Sarcasm Topped With a Dash of Irony Please

2007-05-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

Everybody has a favourite flavour. My ex (or one of them, can't remember which) liked vanilla. Mine, of late seems to be sarcasm topped with a sprinkling of irony. Honestly, I have become the most morbidly depressing person around for a mile.

Take for example this one incident which happened when I was waiting outside an ATM for cash. There was this ugly chick in line in front of me. Now that itself I found ironic coz you can't, in my dictionary be an ugly chick....i mean you're either a chick or you're ugly...but whatever. So this ugly chick (henceforth referred to as UC) is standing in line in front of me and she's talking aloud on the phone with some other person (referenced henceforth by --- since I couldn't hear what he/she said). I could hear only one side of the conversation, and here's how it went...

UC: Hey dude...what's up?

---

UC: No, nothing like that. Just called coz I had come to your colony to go to the ATM.

Me muttering: (Now why would he/she wanna know that?? Worser still...why do I have to hear this!! Anyway, continuing...)

UC: Oh, no I won't come over. I have to go to the beauty parlour after this.

(I almost choked trying to stifle my laugh here)

---

Me muttering: (I wonder if the irony in that statement ever struck her. It's like me going to a Gym!! Hell, maybe that's why she came to the ATM. To take out cash to go to the beauty parlour coz they probably overcharge her to work on her. Hey...but even that's not gonna change the way you look. Money only goes so far!!! But nice nice me...just kept silent!!)

UC: Oh, you know my husband, he bought this huge suitcase. 4000 bucks. Can you imagine?

---

Me muttering: (I don't know who you're talking to lady, but I couldn't have for the death of me imagined that you'd call me up simply because you're in my colony to tell me your hubby bought a suitcase. Speaking of which, I really think you're lucky to have a hubby. Is he blind?? )

UC: No. I'm leaving next week. I had all these trinkets I didn't pack yet. I was planning on leaving them or taking a small bag. My husband asked me if I needed something. I said I don't know. Was just wondering there's so much stuff. And he went out and bought this huge suitcase. How dumb can you be?

---

Me muttering: (Frustrated to the point of hanging myself now!!! Damn ATM queues take so long.... Anyway, get the point lady. Your hubby wants you out. Did he get his eyes operated? )

UC: That's what I'm saying, he's always so extravagant. I couldn't imagine. 4000 bucks. Any simple bag would've done. He bought such a huge thing. I don't even know how to tell my parents. Why would he buy something so expensive? It's so ridiculous. Guys are such sticklers for quality. I should've gone shopping myself.

Me muttering: (That proves it. He got his eyes worked on. That's why he bought something so expensive. He probably didn't want to risk you coming back because of broken baggage. And you said it yourself. Guys are sticklers for quality. Just imagine where you stand then?? )

-----------------------

Anyway, I won't bother you with the details of the rest of the conversation lest you think I'm putting you through the same misery I had to undergo there. But nonetheless, you do get the point. And unless the nurse smashed a table on your head the minute you were born, you would remember the point was how ironic and sarcastic I had become. I mean I look at gardens and think ....geez, what a collosal waste of land. It's unlike the way I normally am, but that's how it is now. I am hoping it improves before I apply for a job in kindergarten to teach pornography to kids. But then again, at this point of time, I think it's a damn fine idea. Lets see.

Who Let the Blog Out !!!

2007-05-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

I guess I've decided to do a lot more with my life now that I've kind of finally realised that I've got nothing to scribble on my headstone when I'm two feet underground. I mean not much you can say about a guy like me that would sound worthwhile etched indelibly on stone. For a while I figured I was going to have something like....

"Howdy??"

But then I figured that'd be kinda disconcerting to put on a gravestone and might offend the sentiments of the nearby bodies who might then be inclined to give me a bad time in hell, that is figuring they have the same number of crimes as me...I mean if that's the criteria for going to hell..technically....whatever...!!!

Anyway, the crux of the story is that I've decided to do a lot more with my life. I mean substantially enough to generate enough writing material to warrant asking for supplementary gravestones to be attached to the main one....like you do in exams where you know a lot of the answers...or if you're going to hell like me....just have a book open for copying underneath the desk. Whatever the reason, one of the things I'm going to do a lot more of, is blogging. Now I know I've been blogging off and on and off and on, and haven't blogged as much as I'd have liked to, but I swear on the heads of the three blind mice and humpty dumpty's wall-fallen-broken arse...that I am going to do it. Not daily or weekly or even biannually....Just more often. If you know what that means.

Speaking of which, i hardly think anyone from the sophisticated gender would be inclined to visit my space unless they had a loaded shotgun stuffed in their mouths with a wicked looking Amrish Puri standing over it laughing his ass off looking at a helpless Akshay Kumar with his hands tied behind his back drinking his way through a river of Thums Up trying to free Jackie Shroff who is ultimately meant to save the day....phew!!! And we all know how effective that's going to be!!!

So....in an effort to stop depressing the ladies who do lose their way online and reach my blog....unless you're following the story above and have been compelled to... I have taken my picture out. Plus it was scaring the kids. So I figured I'd put someone up who more or less resembled me and so here he is. The guy staring at you on the left now, is Orson Welles. For the illiterate ... Orson Welles is the bloke who wrote a book in 1984 and is still living off the royalties. Oh...and he opened an animal farm too. Old Mc Donald's farm. The eeaa eeaaoh guy. Go google him up you moron. And till then, adios.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam

2007-03-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

Hiya there matey's.For those of you who were hoping that I was held hostage by Phoolan Devi's comrades in Chambal ki Ghati in an underwear for whatever sadistic pleasures they (or you) had in mind, you're mistaken. I'm alive and hale and hearty and well....ahem....blogging. And for those of you who wanna know what I did in the long absence, well, ahem, ab to hum bhi santro waale ho gaye hain. :-) But I guess I'd kind of gone the sanyasi way as far as blogs were concerned....coz a baba told me....beta...blogging ki moh maaya ne tumhe pakad rakha hai...and I guess it was partially true coz I 'd started daydreaming about my 50th comment. Anyway, this time I'm blogging on demand. To cheer up a friend who's kind of lost her motivation.

Actually, looking up to me for motivation, is like a half clothed girl looking up to a drunk Shakti "aauu" Kapoor for protection. Anyway, all I want to tell her, is to live stronger again. Revive her killer instinct. Kind of sounds funny coming from me, coz of late, I have become, by far, the laziest person I know. I'm so lazy even my killer instinct is lazy. My killer instinct doesn't go out and exterminate the competition....my killer instinct just sits back and lets the competition die off on its own. So if you're in my way....wait kar beta!! Anyway, the moral of the story is, kuch kar yaar. Cheer up.

Well, coming back to the point, what I was basically trying to say is, life is made of ups and downs. Even Bill clinton had his "standing" moments and then his "lying" ones. So it's all ups and downs you see. But like Bill, you've got to get it "up" every time you're down...or so, metaphorically speaking. And it's not so tough once you get down to it!! :-) The task of cheering yourself up I mean...whatever were you thinking when I said the last line?? Dirty minds!!! Sigh.
I could even give you tips to cheer yourself up...my Mantras for happiness as I prefer calling them,,,but I'll refrain from posting them here for reasons best left unsaid lest my neighbour starts complaining about the beer stains on top of his car windscreen again. Well you get the pitcher...I mean picture.

Speaking of which, that reminds me, I gotta go and book tickets for a movie tomorrow, so I better rush. Not that I can't book it online, but I prefer doing it sandwiched between two babes in line at the ticket counter, sweating it out for space. But atleast I agree with all babes in very general terms....they all wanna avoid me, and I wanna avoid that!!! Like minds eh?? :-) So while I'm gone doing that, why don't you cheer up? If not for yourself, atleast be happy thinking you're not sweating it out in a line in front of me eh? :-) Reminds you of my pal Bill doesn't it? Hehehe

Guten Tag - Part 1

2006-03-03T16:02:00.000-08:00

Great. Chaos has nothing to do and decides it's gonna be fun to tag me. Not that I'm the kind of guy who's easy to get hold of to do anything at all. Ask my PM and you'll know what I'm talkin about. Anyway, since I've been tagged and tagged again, and then called all kinds of names from a protozoa to a bird brained foul mouthed bull dog, for not acknowledging those tags, I thought I'd reply to the tags once and for all.

Starting in reverse order, the last tagger was Chaos, who wants to know 8 different points in my perfect lover. Boy....You sure are asking the wrong question of the wrong person. You know how guys think don't you? I mean all guys have a one track mind....dot dot dot for those who're not alert enough to get the pun when I eventually get to it. Well, so you should've probably rephrased the tag to be "8 different lovers with the perfect points" Anyway, since you didn't, and the tag remains the same, I guess I'll answer what you asked.

1. Satyamev Jayate (the truth always wins) :: Yep. I want someone who's absolutely honest with me. Downright dead on honest. Someone who can tell me to the face that I look like Brad Pitt. Somebody who's not afraid to tell me, "Aji sunte ho ji, I flirted with the pados waale ghar ka ladka" and then get promptly kicked out. That's point number one.

2. I figured If I write this point, half the readers here are gonna puke and think "God, this guy!!! Gross!!!" So in the interest of public safety and the cleanliness of your rooms, offices and browsing centres, I'll avoid penning this point altogether.

3. Total Fida (absolutely smitten) :: Oh yes, she should be totally obsessed with me. So much so, that when she sees Lipstick marks all around my shirt collar when I get back from office, she should be like....haay ni main mar jaawaan, Did you have an accident, there's red grease marks all over your shirt. Get the point? Yep, that's three.

4. Aaj Ki Nari (Today's woman) :: She should be the kind of woman who comes and tells me "Listen honey, I think I am going to work. Do you have any objections to my working?" And my reply will be , "Not at all sugar. That's great. You go work and earn. I'll resign and watch TV at home." May god bless everyone with a lover like that. Man that's bliss, and that's also point 4.

5. Should look like this :: Click and pay to view. Click here Only $3.50 a click. Trust me it's worth it. I accept paypal too. Free for girls who look like this. You deserve it.

6. Environment conscious (It means the same thing in English Dumbo) :: Technically speaking, I don't care two hoots about the environment. But the only girls whom I've seen who do, are ones who've got filthy rich parents. Daddy has a BMW kind. So if you're the nature loving kind, My sixth point loves your nature...I mean, loves nature.

7. Jo chaaho ho jaaye (That's the Coca Cola ad) :: Man you gotta admire the shape of the bottle, the curves, the lines. A girl with a figure like that, can hit the other 7 points on my list for a 6 and I'd still give her a perfect 10...I mean 8. But that's point 7.

8. Trust me when I say, had you asked me for 8 ways to get the one you love, I'd have given you a much better (and possibly more useful) answer. Fact of the matter is, the one you love makes these 8 points absolutely baseless, and useful only when seen in the context of the blog. A much better way to do it would be to first find the perfect one, and then base your 8 points on him/her. Personally speaking, I feel, there is no way to love imperfectly. Otherwise it isn't love at all. What says you eh?

Guten Tag - Part 2 coming soon.

Duh!!! and the Duh Duh Duh!!!!!!!

2006-02-23T16:02:00.000-08:00

Nothing's infinite, except the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the first - Or so said Albert Einstein. You don't have to be Einstein to figure out that human stupidity is indeed infinite. Take Standard Chartered Bank for example. I called them up one day

Me: Hi, this is Druggie. I have a new StandChart Credit Card. I kinda shifted my house and never got my Card pins (all of them...netbanking, card pin, phone banking etc) in the process. Could I apply for a new one?
(After tons of verifications.....from What colour is your underwear.... to Who was your great grandad's first crush....sigh)
CCE (Cust Care Exec) : Certainly sir. That'll be 250 bucks.
Me: What for? I never got it the first time you sent it coz and it was already over 3 weeks late.
CCE: Sorry sir, we did send them. And it's standard rates for each application for a new set of pins.
Me: (Figuring I did shift anyway) Ok, no problem. Do it then.
CCE: I already did sir.
Me: After a long pause....so what are my Pins? Don't I get them?
CCE: Sorry sir, I can't reveal it to you over the phone. It'll be mailed to your address.
Me: !@#!@# (Silently) Well, do you know where I live?
CCE: Yes sir, we have your address in our records.
Me: Yes, but i told you I shifted. I don't live there anymore. I stay at XXX now.
CCE: I'm sorry sir, but as per bank records, we can only send it to the address we have with us.
Me: Well, then change that. I stay here now. Update your records and send it to me.
CCE: Sir, you'll need to update the address yourself through your netbanking logon.
Me: But I told you I lost my pins?
CCE: I'm sorry sir, then it'll be sent to the address we have and you can get that and logon.
Me: But why can't you send it to me?
CCE: Because if we send it to an address out of our records, we cannot guarantee that it will reach you. It may go to somebody else, and a pin is confidential.
Me: But listen up man, if you send it to the address you have, I CAN guarantee that it WON'T reach me and it WILL go to somebody else. What happends to your confidentiality then?
CCE: That is the procedure sir.
Me: God, I'm sick of this. I don't want a standard chartered card. Cancel it. I don't want to deal with this.
CCE: I'm sorry sir. I can't do that also. You'll have to submit your card to us after clearing all your unpaid dues.
Me: Unpaid dues? What unpaid dues? I never used this card?
CCE: I just billed you 250 for a new pin sir. You'll have to clear that and submit the card to us also at the time of cancellation.
Me: What the.....

Makes me wonder where the darn buggers will go looking for me if I disappear with 250 bucks in unpaid dues? The place where I stay or the place they have on their records.

The Hot and the Cold of It

2006-02-13T15:33:00.000-08:00

I'm suffering from a really bad cold right now. If there's one thing I hate more than being down in bed with fever, it's suffering from a cold. Right now I feel worse than a hot water bottle stuffed in a choke hold under the armpits of Yokozuna.

It's at instances like this that I run to the person who brought me up with so much laad and pyaar. My mother dearest.

Me: Hello ma, this is me.
Ma: Hello beta. Why do you sound so different?
Me: I have a cold ma. Sniff. Bad one. Can't even get out of bed.
Ma: Take care of yourself. Have some soup. Nothing to worry about.
Me: Is it serious ma? Will I get pneumonia? I have this funny pain in the neck and chest. Could it be a mumps and TB combo? I feel funny in the head too.
Ma: Relax. It's nothing. It's just a cold. You'll be fine. Just keep yourself warm. Wear a sweater or something.
Me: ... :-(...

Thus reassured that I wasn't dying, I then proceeded to tell everyone I knew, had ever known, who lived around, whose number was on my phonebook, that I was suffering from a cold. It's one of the two things I like telling everyone around me. The other is my birthday.

F1: Hi druggie. Wassup?
Me: Hi man. I've got a cold. A real bad one....
F1: Aww man. So you won't be going out right? Give me your bike for the day then.
Me: .... :-(... $$%#$#@!!!!!!!

Boy, with friends like these, who needs enemies. I desperately needed some cheer and happiness around these parts. I decided to call in sick. I don't do that too often, so I figured it'd be a cake walk. Especially with my throat like a frog croaking for a mate.

Me: Hello Boss
Boss: Hello. What happened? You sound different.
Me: Boss I've got a bad bad cold. Barely able to talk.
Boss: Oh, that's bad. Thank god you don't have a fever or you wouldn't have been able to come to office today. Anyway, take care. Catch you later, kinda busy now.
Me: .... :-( ... @#$@#%^^$%!!!!!!! ! (*$##$%Y(&$%#!!!!!!!!! :-( :-(

Next time I'm calling in dead!

Writer's Blog

2006-02-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

Somebody was right when they said I had writer's blog....I mean writer's block. Downright disgusting. And the worst part is, I am proving all my critics right. From the guy who said that reading what I write is about as interesting as staring up a dog's backside, to the pretty girl downstairs who thinks my blog is dying a slow death, all the way down to the jackass I have for a room mate who thinks I have the intelligence of a wooden chair and asks me If I use someone's help to write my blog.

I have my excuses alright. I can defend myself. Yeah you hear me? I was busy. As in BUSY. My employer thinks I'm the next best invention to the doormat. I work till I sleep and then I work some more. You thought sleeping at work was bad? Try working while you sleep and you'll know. Oh yeah, and my room mates, they need me too. According to them, the sole purpose of my existence on this miserable planet is to drive them to and fro to the neighbourhood chai waala. Then my clothes need washing, my dvd's need watching, India plays pakistan and I have to support their loss. I need to scheme to overthrow my team lead. The women in red need to be chased. And inspite of all that, if I find the time to blog, I, my dear friends, deserve a goddamn Bravery award for devotion to duty.

And now that I'm done defending myself, I, from this moment, pledge that I will blog more regularly. I will post more frequently. I will honour thy requests. I will save the lion tailed macaque from extinction. I will single handedly chase all terrorists from Kashmir by singing to them. I will donate VIP frenchies to all homeless kids in Somalia (I love...loove...louve you). And take heed of it friends. Take heed of it now. For tomorrow morning, I may be sober. Tally Ho.

The English Never Spoke English

2005-11-16T16:45:00.000-08:00

The Americans, speak English.
The English, love English.
The French, hate English.
The Chinese, attempt English.
The Indians....ah the Indians. The Indians put English in a small glass test tube, stuff that in a glove. Put it under a truck's wheel. Run it over twenty times. Take out the glove and smash it with a power hammer. Put the rag in a blender. Add some water. Grind it to a fine paste. Put the paste in a freezer with a stick and take out an English popsicle. That's what Indian's do to English.

The other day I was driving down the highway when I came across a sign board which read "Pre Used Cars". Now my head goes...What the heck is a pre used car? In my daddy's age, cars were either new, or used. Pre used is like saying, you're gonna be using it eventually, so as long as we don't sell it, it's gonna stay pre used. And that's that. Logically, it could also mean, that the car ain't new, but it ain't used either. How about that?

Or how about the sign which said "Post Graduated College". Somebody please explain to me, who's doing what here? Is the college a graduate and helping others do the same? Or is everyone in the college a graduate and they posted the sign as a monument to their achievement?

But the one which takes the icing on the cake is the sign on a shop on Vijayaraghava road which says "Tyre Puncher". Now that's one shop I wanna stay away from. Especially since his shop seemed to have an especially beneficial symbiotic relationship with the shop directly opposite which flaunted a board proclaiming "Tier Repair". So if you ever have a flat tire after hitting a nail on the road and get out of the car wondering who the heck puts all these nails on the road, well, now you know where to look.

I say, we needn't even have fought the war of independence. Had we just spoken to the English in English, they would have left the country with their fingers in their ears and their heads shaking, long long back.

Now that's a lot of writing I've done here. So while you guys "are post here your nice nice comment", I'll go out and try and make up my mind about what to drink. There's a lot of options you know. Cool drink, cole drink, cold drink, kol drink, cold rink, kolrink, not to mention the varieties of thum sup, golds pot, and the eternal favourite of modest drinkers like me, child bear. Tally Ho Readers.

The Knack Of Life

2005-11-09T09:38:00.000-08:00

The dictionary defines knack thus

knack - a clever, expedient way of doing something.
- a specific talent for something, especially one difficult to explain or teach.

Knack is such a lovely word to define what we do so easily. I have a knack of getting in trouble. I have an equally good if not better knack of getting out of it. Traffic has a knack of getting jammed. Roads have a knack of getting pot holed. Drivers have a knack of avoiding them. Politicians have a knack of pointing out that the holes actually look good on the roads. The highways department has a knack of maintaining the holes in the exact same spot they existed for years on end. The government has a knack of alloting a higher budget to the highways so that they can put more holes on roads and make it look even better. My bike has a knack of hitting all of them on my journeys just to make sure that the holes are nice and proper. Me? I did say I have a knack of getting in trouble. Won't do me good to have a knack of having more knacks. Who cares? Wanna know?

Me: I already seem to have developed a knack of driving into potholes and driving out with my limbs damaged and bandaged.

Highways Dept:- What pothole?

Muncipal Corporation:- What road?

Politicians:- It's the knack's fault.

The Government:- Druggie is apparently in league with knack. We will hold an enquiry.

The knack:- I've been tarnished enough already. No comments.

The nurse:- Lie still druggie and stop typing for gods sake!!! I gotta stitch your wound!!!!

The knack of life!!!

Druggie's Sluggies

2005-08-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

This post is in response to the queries of all those people who've asked me, how I spend my time here. Well, I walk a lot (You might wanna refer to the last post for details). That activity in itself doesn't leave me with much time to spend. But even then, for the benefit of all those who expect me to be accountable for every minute, I've compiled a short list of my ten favourite pastimes...so here goes

10. Scratching my Head :- Yep, that's on number ten. I scratch my head for the simple reason that it'd look more embarrasing if I scratched elsewhere (yep, guys probably know where). Anyway, I can scratch it in a to and fro motion, side to side, left to right. I scratch when I'm walking, sitting, or simply, doing nothing else. And not coz it itches or something. I do it, coz well, it's on my list of ten favourite things to do.

9. Staring at Girls :- Well, I don't exactly stare at the whole deal from top to bottom. Just at....well... mmm....errr... I mean, makes no point watching the whole of the state of Florida just coz you wanna see what Disneyworld looks like, right? It's more or less the same thing. No further comments.

8. Watching The Talk Box:- Hehehe...trust me, you don't wanna know what I watch. (I rated Sex and The City PG-7, so you can probably imagine)

7. Losing Track of Time - Well, lets just say, sometimes I'm unable to figure out where time goes. I mean, I'm not asleep, but I have no idea why this happens. You might wanna check out my next pastime for that.

6. Beer - I loooove it. Absolutely. And it's cheaper than water here. Plus, it kinda helps me with pastime number 7 too. That makes these two go, kinda hand in hand.

5. Helping Homeless Abandoned Children in Somalia - Somehow, I always wanted to say that. Now ain't I a saint?? :-)

4. Calling up George Bush - Hey, watch it when you say I'm lying. It's "my" pastime, being published by "me" on "my" blog. I can write what I want. :-) Me god here!!! Muhahahaha.

3. Drinking Ice Cold Pepsi with a Mc Donald's Combo Meal for One. It's Delicious and Nutritous. Now for only $3.99 (Guess what, I got a hundred dollars to publish that. :-) )

2. #### CENSORED ####

1. Writing - My my my, I do write a lot over here, and then I write some more. I also write to my friends, romans, my countrymen, the homeless abandoned children in somalia whom i help, the crocodiles in san francisco, the hot *&@!# who lives next door and won't let me in, the man on the moon, my phone buddy George Bush, my former friend in jail Sadman Hussain and last but not the least, the millions of hopelessly jobless individuals who take the time and effort to read my blog (you guys are my inspiration).

It's A Small World

2005-07-28T13:08:00.000-07:00

Hey folks. Long time since I've written anything. So here me is, after a brief sabbatical from the world of blogging, back once more to post more of my crap. Now for those of you who've been unaware of my whereabouts all this while, Don't worry....the sad news is I wasn't kidnapped by the creators of the
X files (How you wish don't you?? Evil Grin) Anyways, what I'm doin, is whiling my time away in Wisconsin in good 'ol US of A. Yep, I thought if Big Bro was gonna watch over the world, then me gonna watch over Big Bro himself.

It's a funny place the US of A I tell ya. I mean first we got people who don't like walking between various buildings. So these guys build good roads so that places are easily accessible. Then since there's no place to put so many roads, they just push the destinations apart so that there's more space between them to put the roads in, and that makes the places more inaccesible coz now they're further apart. Boy!! So these blokes have a bright idea. They get loads of cars for everyone. Now that'll make places easier to go to they think, but voila....now everyone has so many cars, that there's no place to park. So they build miles and miles of car parks in front of every building. But there's no space for that either, so they widen the roads and push the buildings further apart. So now everyone has really broad roads for the cars, and really huge car parks to park them in. But unfortunately, buildings are now further than ever. So instead of walking to buildings like these people earlier used to, they now walk the same distance to their car, and then drive all the way to the place they wanted to go (to which they could've walked to earlier), and then park and then walk all the way in to the building (now ain't that twice the travel?? ) But anyway, they're a jolly bunch and ever optimistic. Ask anyone around these parts about it and all you'll hear is
"Heck, we're an obese nation...we need the exercise!!!
What???
You lean fella's won't understand".
Now that's what I call a developed nation. :-)

The Lore of The Rings

2005-06-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

One of the better books I've read. It's the story of a ring which belongs to a really grouchy dude called "sour one". Now this ring is something he's forged in the fires of hell (no not his in-laws furnace, it really was the fires of hell). So this ring has this shitload of evil power and makes him a really powerful fella who kills people by the dozens. But somehow he manages to lose his ring and dies of shock (twas sentimental to him I guess, and I'm sure he hadn't insured it either), but he's the villain so he had to be resurrected, which the author does dutifully. So when "sour one" comes back he's really pissed, coz now he realises he's not only missing his ring, but also the finger it was on. Now this was a major pain to him, coz not only could he not beat people as he wasn't powerful without the ring, but he also couldn't show more powerful people the finger, coz he didn't have the finger either (how's that for a real bad day).

Now this ring somehow manages to reach a dude called Gollum, who looks like someone a japanese cook tried to make sushi out of but quit midway (yep he's messed up alright). This gollum fella then hides in a cave and eats fish all day coz he now doesn't like fish all that much (who would if someone tried to make sushi out of ya??). Anyway, so this ring thing suddenly decides it doesn't want to eat fish with gollum anymore and manages to get itself stolen by Bubble Baggins who's a hobbit. Now for the untolkienised, a Hobbit is a little fella who looks like a man, but is slightly shorter and stouter, something like what you'd get if you squeezed a man from the vertical ends to have him expand in the middle. Now Bubble doesn't wanna have anything to do with Sour One's wedding ring, so he presents it to Frodo, who then uses it to become the hero of the story.

Now this Frodo fella, he's quite a conceited one. He's not happy being the hero of just one book, so he somehow manages to get the HR to split the book into 3 parts for proper distribution of Valour, and then manages to squeeze out a package to make him the hero in all three, and then to top it all, he manages to get himself a fancy title, "The Ring Bearer, amidst other perks, which include an unlimited supply of Elven Bread courtesy Lembas Bread International and a brand new Mithril Suit from the Dwarven Alliance Ltd, not to mention a personal assistant cum secretary, Some Gum ji.

To be continued....

The Great Indian Adjustment

2005-05-31T21:06:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from the eagles:
"While I was driving down the road,
Trying to loosen my load,
I got seven women on my bike......."
Oops that's a red light I missed....Screeeech....Traffic Police, Braaakkkke....Stop

50 bucks...and two "Please Sir Kindly adjust" later, I'm back on the street with another song on my mind...

What makes the Indians so adjustable?? Passports anyone? The only thing that's official about my passport is that it's an official document. I was not present when I applied for it, the signature on it is not mine, I wasn't present for the police verification, and the address I've given...wanna guess?? Yep you're right, I don't live there, and I don't know who does either.

My Driving Licence...I got it made in Manipur. No I've never been to Manipur either. My degree certificate....Nope, that's not fake you moron, but i sure took devious means to acquire it. Am I proud of it? Well...not exactly. I don't like getting things done under the table, but seeing the way things are above it, I don't have any particular qualm's against getting it done down below.

Bribes in India, are the in thing. Right from the peon at the door to the Babu in his Air Conditioned office, everyone and anyone in India has his price. Wanna get a signature, 50 bucks. Wanna get a document, 100 bucks. Wanna stand in front of the queue, 300 bucks. Want a job, 50000 bucks. Want rations for free, 20000 bucks... And the list goes on.

Reminds me of the time I'd gone to get some corrections made to my inofficially ofiicial passport. I reached the passport office at 9:00, that's half an hour before the office officially opens. Seeing the queue there, I nearly fainted. It stretched all the way from the roof to the ground floor, spanning four flights of staircases and three halls in between. With this temporary setback, I was wondering what to do when a guy approached me to stand at the end of the line. With a very sorry face, I asked him, if he could "adjust something". For 200 bucks, and many small "adjustments" in between, I found myself right in front of the very line, I'd been dreading to stand at the back of. And all this, before 9:15. Passport corrections, done by 10:00. How's that for fast service.

What makes these government babu's so adjustable? Ever thought of why people so shamelessly ask for amounts ranging right from "chai paani ka kuch" all the up to "ek lakh lagenge"? Why is the Indian government, so corrupt deep deep down, that even for removing corruption you have to bribe officials into action? The answer I fear might lie much deeper than even I can possibly imagine. It's definitely got something to do with our degrading morals, even lesser of a salary and a greed so innately fostered that no amount of conscience can ever set it right. Lets face it buddies, India mein sab chalta hai. "Adjust" yourselves.

A Theory of Theories

2005-01-05T21:50:00.000-08:00

Got up late today dudes. Late for class. Donno why we bother with half this technical stuff that we're studying. Sometimes I wonder if all the science in the world, is maybe just another way to add to our miseries. I mean who in his right mind would come up with so many complicated theorems just to make people study them later on if they're to have any chance of surviving comfortable on this miserable little planet.

I mean take Newton for example. Now what kinda sick dude thinks about complex equations when something like an apple falls on his head? Whoever told him to go sit under an apple tree in the first place? And why only an apple tree?? Why not a coconut tree? So he has to do it. And what does he come up with? Newton's law. "If you sit under an apple tree, an apple will fall on your head because of the forces of attraction between your head and the apple". And then there's Einstein who came out with an even more obscure theory "Relativity" which says that "if you sit under an apple tree, there's every chance of a coconut falling on your head provided you sit faster than the speed of light". Or newtons second law which states that "for everything there's an equal and opposite reaction, which means that if a coconut drops on your head, then you'll suddenly find yourself sititng under an apple tree". How cute. No wonder science baffles me. How I long for the good ol days :-)

To Cut a Long Story Short

2003-12-23T01:33:00.000-08:00

Hi hi hi...and sorry, for not posting for a long time that is. It's a long story, but since we've got all the time in the world, i'll post it here. Well, it certainly began on a high note, with me finding the girl of my dreams.Well, atleast I thought she was the girl of my dreams. So as all love stories go, we had our moments in the sun. Heck, we even had a tree we used to run around singing (typical hindi philmi ishtyle). Then, tragedy struck...she dumped me. (**Sad song playing in the background** SMS me at 9894170234 and i'll send it to u). I was of course heartbroken....and what's worse, I couldn't even show my face to the tree.

Well, I did congratulate her on her catch...he's a double MBA from london (i told her he mustn't have found a job after the first one >:-) ). That done, I was absolutely heartbroken. But I had friends who made sure I wasn't as sad as i thought i could be. They made it worse for me ;-). That's coz first they got me drunk coz I was heartbroken. Then they made me senti coz I was drunk. And then, as I was senti, they made me drink again. Grand total...1500 bucks. Boy o boy...with friends like these...who needs enemies.

So u see, me's back to being a bachelor again. And totally at odds with the female of the species. I don't think i'm ever going to fall in love again. (Hey there's a hottie walkin outside in mini's. Hang on while I check her out. Did anybody say i didn't like females?? Heck I was just kiddin).

Where's that damn tree when I need it again!!!

Never Never Works

2003-12-09T06:14:00.000-08:00

If I never run into him
I'll never see him smile.
If I never try to kiss him
he'll never drive me wild.
And I'll never feel the need
to say those three little words.
I know how to stay care free
letting no one put a hold on me
But I can't keep my hands off him
theres something different about this boy...
If I never let me love him
I'll never settle down.
And I'll never put roots
in this God forsaken town
And I'll never say I do.
Or step foot in a church.
If I never think about him
I'll never miss him at all
Never wonder want he's doing
never give him a call.
Never see him again
and I'll be free as a bird
But the trouble with never is
Never never works.

A View Of Points

2003-12-09T06:01:00.000-08:00

So, my exploits this week. Well....started off with me meeting this really boooring female who told me that she knows someone who got married through "shaadi.com". So me thought, well, why go far. Rediff's got it's own matchmaker service right here. So I searched for a few minutes and found around 80000 eligible females....*grin*. What's next, I decided, I'll put up my profile online. So there I was, creating a profile for me using the wizard. Filed up my name, age, sex blah blah blah etc etc....until I came to the section where I was s'posed to describe myself. Well, put in a few modest lines which went thus....

I'm 20, funloving, happy-go-lucky, and a real live wire when i'm with someone. I like adventure sports, nature and wildlife. I've been trekking, rock climbing etc etc. I would love to be with someone who's caring, affectionate and who shares my interests.

To my delight. I got a reply pretty soon. Though it wasn't quite what I expected....read on...

Dear Joe,
My name is Karen and I fell in love with you the minute I read your profile. I share all your interests and more. I'm the most affectionate girl you'll ever find and I dont mind hugging and kissing you in public. And all the kids around me think I'm the funniest creature they've ever seen. Blah blah blah....

Boy o boy, was I in seventh heaven again (I must stop that though, it's happening every time I see a girl). Until I read the last lines of the letter

....I hope you like hairy females who love bananas and swinging on trees
Love Karen

Needless to say, I deleted the profile....and Karen, I don't like bananas.

A Warm Welcome

2003-12-09T05:27:00.000-08:00

Hey guys. Back after a week I guess. Found a lot of visitors on my blog....including the incorrigible Ms SWNE (whatever that stands for). Now this Miss SWNE and me, we lead pretty opposing lives. Which means, that where Miss SWNE doesn't want to get married, I can't find someone to marry me. The other visitor is Miss Kash who just refreshed her blog and filled it up with forwards. Needless to say, my already bloated ego was filled with a bit more air ;-). Anyway, it was nice hearing from you and you're most welcome. Keep visiting.

Wad's US up to?? (A twisted take on things....)

2003-12-03T05:45:00.000-08:00

Was just going through a few headlines today....same old stuff day after day. Read one "BIG FISH ELUDES U.S. IN IRAQ RAID". (CNN 3/12/2003). Boy.....do these guys ever know when to give up?? I mean fishing in Iraq??? It's a goddamned desert. Where's the fish??? Errr...it's much later that I realised that the fish was supposed to be some big assed former top deputy of the erstwhile Sadman Hussain. Big deal that. I bet the US was without targets for a long time and found someone stealing candy from a kid......bang....you're Sadman's deputy. You better start running coz you're most wanted. But that's not unusual for Uncle Tom. Reminds me of the time they claimed that they....I'll quote them here "We've taken down the entire Afghani Airforce" on day one......which in reality meant that they had taken down all of 2 hang gliders. The second days claim was even better.... "We've destroyed their anti-aircraft early warning systems" which most probably meant that they had killed poor Mustafa standing on top of a pole armed with a binoculars and a slingshot !!! But it's not all fair to blame the US for everything. People say they can see no reason for the US to attack Iraq.....gee....now that's not right. As someone very rightly put, I can see 3 of them right now....Shell, Mobil and Castrol. It's worth the Oil and Rubble....I mean the toil and trouble..... ;-)

Guess I'll stick to better headlines now "How Many blondes does it take to milk a cow"(PHILADELPHIA TRIBUNE, 03.12.2003) ..... lol ;-)

Troubles Of A Troubled Man(Read on till the end)

2003-12-03T05:06:00.000-08:00

Guess I'm losing my mind....but that's nothing new. It started simply enough. As u all know, I was in Delhi, bride hunting (Matrix Style....which means I took my hard disk along. For the not so computer savvy, a hard disk is a rectangular box like thingy which among other things holds your fav songs etc etc.....no, it's not a cd wallet.....errr whatever). So when I got back I connected all my peripherals to my system. To my relief (which means I needed to go relieve myself).... the damn thing wouldn't run. There we go...I was quite thrilled. Now this was a challenge someone as techno savvy as an engineer (well almost) like me would relish. So I got down to disassembling and reassembling the whole thing (yes the hard disc too). I thought it simply needed a bath....it was too dirty...but of course, I'm not that foolish....i know you can't bathe electronic chips. So I cleaned up all the bits. That done, all that was needed was putting it back together again. Did someone say putting it back again??? Gee....Anyways, make the best of the situation they said....so I got down to the task as best as I could. When I was done, I only had 1 chip and 4 screws remaining, so I must've done pretty okay. Anyways, the system still wouldn't work. Just too bad....well, I swallowed my pride and called a guy from the next room. Luckily he managed to put it back together (I showed him the left over parts and said I must've forgotten to see those while I was putting it together *wink*). That done, I politely asked him to leave (with a gracious but jealous thanks mind you). Damn....the thing still wouldn't run. Kay...swallowed my pride a second time....twas gettin easier by the minute. I finally admitted to him that I couldn't get the darn thing to run. He looked around for a sec and said "Put on the power switch....lets see what the problem is." Errrr......power switch ;-)

I guess I'll do engineering all over again.

A Long Journey

2003-12-03T04:47:00.000-08:00

Sorry guys, couldn't post for the past few days. Was taking a train journey down south to Coimbatore, the place I study....errr...I mean I'm s'posed to study. Don't wanna get into the details of the journey (I hope most of you are familiar with Indian Railways). Suffice to say that it was quite uneventful, and would've been quite boring cept for the company of an "Elderly Lady" from Punjab (A sardarni at that).

I hope you know a bit about sardars....they're the most delightful people on earth. Most of em think they're an endangered species, and hence they tend to stay quite lest they attract a lot of attention. But don't be fooled....observing a real sardar going about his/her daily affairs is anyday better than watching Laurel and Hardy reruns. Concluding remarks, they're hilarious. (I apologise if I've stepped on a few toes. I was jus kiddin. No offence intended)

To Kill a Mockinqisitoe

2003-11-30T04:24:00.000-08:00

Hi dudes. I'm back. Wish I could tell you that I just woke up....but the fact remains that I could hardly sleep. Well it wasn't coz I wasn't feeling sleepy....that I was, but it's those darn mosquitoes. Aargh they're one thing I really hate.

Mosquitoes, well I know a bit about them....how they spread malaria and dengue (pronounced DENGEEE by Pranoy Roy) and how their family grows in stagnant water and all that stuff. What I hate is the fact that they always seem to use my room for family reunions and my blood for a gourmet. But I watched enough talk shows on NDTV to know that "mosquitoes don't survive below 15 degrees centigrade". But the moquitoes in my house must've probably not watched the show coz they don't realise they're not s'posed to exist (it's bloody freezing out here in delhi). But I've got a few bright ideas up my sleeve as well. I've just finished making a poster 3ft X 4ft which says "mosquitoes can't survive below 15 deg Celsius." and I'm taking the poster on a procession around the house. I even met a few mosquitoes on the way....they were sitting on top of the liquidator and they seemed to be enjoying themselves. I did show them the poster of course, but they didn't seem to understand it....I really don't know whether they can read English or not. Since they stay in Delhi, I guess they can. Maybe it's just my handwriting then....well let's see how effective it is. Anyways, if it doesn't work, I can always sleep under the bed to confuse those buggers ;-)

Disaster Strikes

2003-11-28T23:29:00.000-08:00

So you're back for the CP trip huh?? Well lemme tell you, this one fizzed out as well. What happened?? Ok, so it started on a high note...my dad decided to lend me his car (of course I didn't tell him I was goin bride huntin) and that's unusual coz he's generally averse to letting me use the vehicle, and I dont pester him much for it (lest I bang it up and he decides i'm an unfit driver for a vehicle of my own). So there I was, car and all...I cut out the deo this time (Yesterday's experience told me it was unlucky)

Now I'm a pretty safe driver generally....never banged a car in my life....but today of all days, I backed it up into a pole. *Damn*. Brides were nowehere on my mind now. All I could think of was.... 'Joe boy !!! You better find new parents or you're history'.

But as I said before, better to make the best of the situation. So I decided to try out a bit of cosmetic surgery on the car myself. So I parked it in the garage and smuggled a bucket of water and a few rags from the house. And then I scrubbed and scrubbed for 2 hours. I must've been doing something wrong. Coz when I finished, it still looked like the car had been backed up into a pole. Well what else could I do....there was only one thing on my mind now....'Convince the pole to say it was his fault'. Anyway....whatever happened, happened. Besides, whatever took place was between the pole and the car, I was just present at the spot. So I won't get involved in matters concerning them. They can sort out their problems on their own. The only problem is convincing my dad to leave the pole and the car alone.....did somebody mention CP??

A grimsummer day's trip

2003-11-27T02:25:00.000-08:00

Back after the hunting spree. Boy o boy....it sure is tough to find a gal in Delhi. I'll go about it in detail since I don't have anything better to do. Lemme start from the beginning.

First things first...I had a bath (in winter !!) and that IS a big deal for me, because even though I have a bath everyday, I just hate taking my clothes off in winter and the only reason I do it everyday is coz my mom would kick me out if I didn't. But today was different as I thought it'd be better if I met my would be bride after having a bath. (Give me a choice and in winter I'd bathe only on alternate national holidays !!). Anyways, I was done with my bath and my grooming and off I set to find my life partner.

What was next on the agenda was a place to go bride hunting to. I've lived here long enough to know that the hottest looking chix are found in South Campus or CP. South campus being closer, I decided to try my luck there. So off I went, all deo-sheo, mobile and bandwagon to South campus. Now I did find a lot of "cho chweet" gals there...but ironically everyone of em was booked. And by booked I mean they had HUGE boyfriends....no chance of fighting it out the good 'ol way either for the girls favour.

But it wasn't all bad, I finally set my eyes on a real hottie standing all alone near a cafe. So off I went towards her....and dudes...was I walking on air. Of course I thought I was looking like Keanu Reeves in matrix...all slick and sexy. So there I was, walking towards her and finally on reaching her side, I said those magical words..... "Hi, do I know you?" She's in the bag thought I. She said "No, I don't think so". Boy o boy, I was in seventh heaven. Until it struck me that she said NO. Well back to ground 1. I was stuck now without anything to say, so I gather all the pieces of my broken heart and manage to say with what was left of my battered pride "I thought so too...so would you by any chance know where the next bus stand is?" And taking those directions....which I already knew, I set off for home and the world of blogging. So there you are...my exploits for the day. Anyways, as they say, all's not lost. There's still hope (after all, I haven't been to CP yet). So until then....well, it's just me and my computer :-( I think I'll change my wallpaper to one of those Lisa Ray pics again....

A Lonely Heart Beckons

2003-11-26T20:35:00.000-08:00

I'm back dudes. Woke up in a really lonely frame of mind. I've been trying to convince my parents to get me married...but unfortunately they think I'm too young (Is 20 young??). They're becoming more and more like my hostel warden who thinks I'm unfit to stay in the girls hostel. Talk of gender discrimination !!! *sob*. Anyway, since they're not gonna do it for me, I'm going bride hunting myself. So today I'm gonna get all dressed up and look around Delhi for a bride to be. Wish me luck and... I'll let you know what happens when I get back.

A Brief History Of Time

2003-11-26T00:02:00.001-08:00

Why am I doing this?? God knows. Maybe coz I got nothing better to do. My folks are all watching the same old dumb soap on TV. 'Kyonki ghar ghar ke sabun ki kahaani hoti hai'. What's worse is that this is my first blog entry. And I don't have a thing to write about. Couldn't have hoped for a better start to a blog could I?? But of course, there's no point being pessismistic. So I'll make the best of the situation and write about the fact that I don't have anything to write. Aint that cool??

Well, why don't I have anything to write?? Maybe coz I never thought today morning that I was gonna create a blog. But a lot of things happen which we don't expect to do, but they happen for the best anyway. Like for example...the guy who thought he would squeeze the underside of a cow and drink whatever came out ;-) Happened for the best didn't it??

That's a lot of writing for a first entry. I think I'll take a break now. Geez my head...happens if you wake up with a pillow banged on your head.

My First Blog. Published for reasons at best sentimental.