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The English Never Spoke English
The Knack Of Life


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Name: d_tox_ed
Home: Chennai, Tamil Nadu, India
About Me: I'm the Miltonian equivalent of what Shaw would've called a fustian magniloquent belligerent imbecile. (Fustian Magniloquenta Imbecelio Belligerentus). In other words, I'm the utopian loudmouthed idiot. A new breed altogether...but fun to have around.
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The English Never Spoke English

    Wednesday, November 16, 2005  

The Americans, speak English.
The English, love English.
The French, hate English.
The Chinese, attempt English.
The Indians....ah the Indians. The Indians put English in a small glass test tube, stuff that in a glove. Put it under a truck's wheel. Run it over twenty times. Take out the glove and smash it with a power hammer. Put the rag in a blender. Add some water. Grind it to a fine paste. Put the paste in a freezer with a stick and take out an English popsicle. That's what Indian's do to English.

The other day I was driving down the highway when I came across a sign board which read "Pre Used Cars". Now my head goes...What the heck is a pre used car? In my daddy's age, cars were either new, or used. Pre used is like saying, you're gonna be using it eventually, so as long as we don't sell it, it's gonna stay pre used. And that's that. Logically, it could also mean, that the car ain't new, but it ain't used either. How about that?

Or how about the sign which said "Post Graduated College". Somebody please explain to me, who's doing what here? Is the college a graduate and helping others do the same? Or is everyone in the college a graduate and they posted the sign as a monument to their achievement?

But the one which takes the icing on the cake is the sign on a shop on Vijayaraghava road which says "Tyre Puncher". Now that's one shop I wanna stay away from. Especially since his shop seemed to have an especially beneficial symbiotic relationship with the shop directly opposite which flaunted a board proclaiming "Tier Repair". So if you ever have a flat tire after hitting a nail on the road and get out of the car wondering who the heck puts all these nails on the road, well, now you know where to look.

I say, we needn't even have fought the war of independence. Had we just spoken to the English in English, they would have left the country with their fingers in their ears and their heads shaking, long long back.

Now that's a lot of writing I've done here. So while you guys "are post here your nice nice comment", I'll go out and try and make up my mind about what to drink. There's a lot of options you know. Cool drink, cole drink, cold drink, kol drink, cold rink, kolrink, not to mention the varieties of thum sup, golds pot, and the eternal favourite of modest drinkers like me, child bear. Tally Ho Readers.

   [ POSTED BY d_tox_ed @ 4:45 PM ] [ 9 comments ]




The Knack Of Life

    Wednesday, November 09, 2005  

The dictionary defines knack thus

knack - a clever, expedient way of doing something.
- a specific talent for something, especially one difficult to explain or teach.

Knack is such a lovely word to define what we do so easily. I have a knack of getting in trouble. I have an equally good if not better knack of getting out of it. Traffic has a knack of getting jammed. Roads have a knack of getting pot holed. Drivers have a knack of avoiding them. Politicians have a knack of pointing out that the holes actually look good on the roads. The highways department has a knack of maintaining the holes in the exact same spot they existed for years on end. The government has a knack of alloting a higher budget to the highways so that they can put more holes on roads and make it look even better. My bike has a knack of hitting all of them on my journeys just to make sure that the holes are nice and proper. Me? I did say I have a knack of getting in trouble. Won't do me good to have a knack of having more knacks. Who cares? Wanna know?

Me: I already seem to have developed a knack of driving into potholes and driving out with my limbs damaged and bandaged.

Highways Dept:- What pothole?

Muncipal Corporation:- What road?

Politicians:- It's the knack's fault.

The Government:- Druggie is apparently in league with knack. We will hold an enquiry.

The knack:- I've been tarnished enough already. No comments.

The nurse:- Lie still druggie and stop typing for gods sake!!! I gotta stitch your wound!!!!

The knack of life!!!

   [ POSTED BY d_tox_ed @ 9:38 AM ] [ 11 comments ]