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Smile Ok Please!! Say Cheese....
In loving memory of Dopey
Impressionism Anyone ??
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Who Let the Blog Out !!!

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Name: d_tox_ed
Home: Chennai, Tamil Nadu, India
About Me: I'm the Miltonian equivalent of what Shaw would've called a fustian magniloquent belligerent imbecile. (Fustian Magniloquenta Imbecelio Belligerentus). In other words, I'm the utopian loudmouthed idiot. A new breed altogether...but fun to have around.
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Back by Popular Demand

    Thursday, December 03, 2009  

I'm starting to feel a little like Amitabh Bachchan now. Rukta hi nahi hai types... As in I've been blogging on and off for the past god knows how many years...but then everytime I stop blogging, two years later, and boom, back with another lousy post.

Anyway, for those of you who wanted to know what I've been doing these past 2 years, well, I've quit work, read a few books, visited a few hundred websites, learnt about twitter, opened a facebook account, moved to Kolkata, and oh I've been working on an MBA from an IIM too (arre padosi ki ladki ki suno mera laal kahaan se padke aaya hai... :) ).

Well, studying here has had its pro's and cons. Pro's mostly, but some cons too. Mostly with regards to the relationships I've had in the past. For all those family members, friends, acquaintances and pets who's weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, deaths, graduations etc I have missed, I am extremely sorry. It was not my intention to, and it was a combination of lack of time, money, memory and my personality that made my lack of presence possible. However, do know that I have nothing but your best interests in my heart at all times and you're all remembered in my prayers (I'm now offering a "Get prayed for daily pack" at only $5.99 per annum).

But, as I said, it was not my intention to miss all the important events in your life as you're important to me. For all those of you who won't talk to me without my presence there, I'd love to attend if you ever get married again, have another birthday, graduate twice or die again. For the rest who've not given up on me yet, thanks for understanding. And for everyone, I'll make it to the rest of yours and your kids and your kids kids functions.

But until that happens, please know that I'm still very much there and still very concerned about your well being. So if you've had any reason to come down to Kolkata and have been putting it off until my departure from this place, please don't. I would love to meet you guys. And for all those invites in the past years I couldn't honour...ticket bhej do yaar. I'll come. Kasam jhumritalaiyya ki.

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   [ POSTED BY d_tox_ed @ 4:23 PM ] [ 7 comments ]


    Friday, June 15, 2007  

Shoot him in the head. Then cut out his tongue and shoot him in the tongue.
- Captain Jack Sparrow.

If you're not spending your life licking Cerelac off the bottom of a plastic bowl, you've probably realised by now that I've seen Pirates of the Caribbean : At World's End. For the statistically inclined, that's Part 3 of the trilogy. And honestly speaking, I enjoyed it as much as I enjoy most movies I watch. Which is why when most of my friends walk up to me and tell me that they hated the movie, I look at them like they just ate a lizard for breakfast or something...probably had a cockroach to spice it up too. Damn critics.

Now I know most of you might call me biased, because I loved the pirates as a series on the whole and thought it was an exceptional piece of sarcastic movie making at it's best. And maybe everyone's allowed to have an opinion as to their likes or dislikes, but honestly, the comments the lizard eaters come up with when I ask them what they didn't like...I times it makes me wonder...why oh why weren't they eaten by the lizard first.

I mean some people actually told me that it was too "unrealistic". According to them it was more like a fairy tale. Hey smartass, now you know "who" I was referring to when I was talking about licking cerelac off the plastic bowls don't you?? Heck, you ever seen a pirate in real life?? No?? A Pirate Ship? No right?? A 100 metre long Giant Squid?? Probably no again?? A Giant squid eating a pirate stranded on a pirate ship?? That's a downright guaranteed No!!! So how on earth did you end up at the theatre... knowing... that the movie... was a sequel to a sequel to a movie.... that contained all these.... and still.... expect the movie to be REALISTIC????? Were you high when you booked the tickets or something?? You want realism, go watch cookery videos where they show you how to make Baked Potatoes and Curd Salad. That's realism at it's best you retard. Don't go watch the pirates!!! And if you do, and it flew over your head, then well..there's always the cerelac. Just don't come telling me you didn't like the movie, coz I'll probably end up telling you that you need to add more milk in the plastic bowl because the powder is all sticking to your mouth. Moron!!!

That apart, It's been quite a long time since I've posted anything of note which is kind of embarrassing considering that I generally write a lot in my spare time. But that's not my excuse. I do have other interests that I have to devote my time and attention to. I criticise the government and curse my friends. I throw rotten eggs over the neighbours compound wall and tape record him in the morning cursing HIS neighbours who he thinks are insensitive because they throw rotten eggs over his compund wall. I swear at rugby matches on ESPN because I can't understand a darn thing when I watch and I giggle whenever I see our PM Manmohan Singh ji's beard bob up and down when he's giving a speech. Yes, there's plenty of stuff to keep me busy. So for all of you out there who ask me why I don't post more often, the answer is simple. Because I keep myself engrossed making the world a more interesting place to live in....for me of course. I believe the others are here just to provide me with entertainment. (would've been awfully boring if I didn't have someone to irritate. Besides, it isn't a very bright idea to curse and throw rotten eggs at oneself. And it'd probably stink too. Savvy??)

   [ POSTED BY d_tox_ed @ 5:58 AM ] [ 11 comments ]

Smile Ok Please!! Say Cheese....

    Monday, May 21, 2007  

Digicams are the latest craze to hit the town. A surprisingly large number of my friends have asked for my "valuable" inputs on which camera to buy, megapixels and zoom and all. Now giving out all this advise to so many people is kind of against my nature, because as a matter of principle, I for one do believe that too much work is actually detrimental. So as a true disciple of the "laziness pays off now" policy, I am posting my views here as a tribute to all wannabe advise-seekers.

1. How many megapixels is good?

Good question. But wrong person to ask. I am by nature an ugly dude. Look at the picture on the left for, he's not me, but he's cute by my standards. So, irrespective of how many megapixels you shoot me at, it's gonna stay the same. The camera isn't going to improve the way I...or for that matter you (no offense intended)...look!!!. If you wanna take it from me, honestly speaking, buy the lowest clarity camera you can find. For best results,use plenty of make-up, darken the room till you can barely see your hands, don't use the flash and if possible try shaking the camera while you're clicking for a fantastic motion effect which blurs the ugliness so much that you can pass it off as bad cameramanship. (Hey....what do you prefer...stupid photo or ugly face??? My choice was made in a second.... The defense rests !!)

2. What about zoom? Digital or Optical?? 3X or 12X ??? Confusion!!!

Take my word for it and skip the zoom. I mean everybody has a level of comfort. Personality development books call it comfort zone. And when you look like me, you wanna make sure everyone stays as far away from it as possible. I mean as if the fact that you're looking evil from far off isn't enough, why do you want to close in on it? I say you'd probably get a camera cheaper without the zoom. Use the extra money to buy a mask or something and you'll thank me later. Honest.

3. Should I buy a 512 MB memory card or a 1 GB one?

That one's a technical question really. But you're lucky I studied engineering, so I can answer that with relative ease though you'll have to kind of follow my journey through the planes of common sense on the path to enlightenment. The answer my friend, is simpler than you'd think. It depends. Primarily, on the quantity of ugliness you want to store. If we get down to the technical aspects of it, if you want to store 200 visualisations of ways you did not want to look... (or 200 stupid photos if you read point 1 above and implemented it) ...then a 512 MB is enough. Else buy a 1 GB. But I really wouldn't recommend that without a certain degree of corrective surgery done first. Hope you get the picture...I mean point. And for sake of added emphasis...I implore you to yet again (yes, make an effort if you have to...) look at the picture on the left and then think about me. Do you "really" think you "really" want to store 200 more like those?

4. What is an SLR? Is it good? Some people tell me it's the best. Should I buy one?

Boy, you sure are getting technical really quickly aren't you? Man, I shouldn't have told you about the engineering stuff. Anyway, here goes. SLR stands for Single Lens Reflex. For those not initiated in tech talk yet, it means there's a mirror inserted in between the film and the lens to give you a clearer image. But tell me honestly, when the very thing we're trying to do, is blur out the image, why would you want a clearer picture of it? And if you ask me, a pig looks like a pig...look at it through a lens or through a mirror, whichever have you... it ain't gonna change the way it looks.

5. What about price? What budget should I look for??

You sure are persistent aren't you? Anyway, if you've read all this way then know this, a haircut costs 50 bucks and facials about 200. Get a deal on the cosmetics and you're still paying lesser than you might for a camera. Of course, that also depends on the "degree" that the face looking back at you from the mirror needs working on. But in the long run, I'd figure you're better off investing in Laboratories Garnier than on Canon.

6. So what do I do now?? You're not helping you know!!!

Hey...I just speak the truth. Like it or leave it. Besides, look at it this way, people like us...yep, you and me...we gotta watch the mirror every day. Why oh why, would you wanna make it worse by etching it indelibly in print? Make sense huh? But anyway, if you're the kind who grew up eating chalk pieces in class and really feel the need to buy one, then buy a Nikon Coolpix L11. And for those of you who were paying special attention to the SLR question, but subsequently had all your logical reasoning neurons karataed out of you by a Bruce Lee look alike at the neighbourhood soup stall, go ahead and take a look at the Nikon DSLR X40. Rest of you guys who've found their way to Moksha through this blog (ok, the mask buyers... you can count yourselves in too) ...don't feel down. Keep watching Michael Jackson. If he has hope, so do we!!!

   [ POSTED BY d_tox_ed @ 12:52 PM ] [ 7 comments ]

In loving memory of Dopey

    Wednesday, May 16, 2007  

Disclaimer: One of my friends wanted me to write something about the government. I tried explaining that it's hopeless but she wanted me to anyway. So here are my thoughts. You might find them out of sync with my previous posts. So if you want to skip this one, please feel free to do so. Comments as usual are welcome.

I have a pet on my desk. His name is Dopey. He looks dead to me. He probably was when I got him. But he symbolises to me the way we lead out our lives. One look at him and it's enough to remind me that whatever I'm doing is totally unnecessary and if it takes too much effort on my part, it probably is just that....too much effort. But don't blame me because I'm not the only one guilty here. Everybody to one extent or the other, follows the Dopey principle. See no evil, and keep it that way.
I mean well, I'm not totally unresponsive. I see a terrorist planting a bomb in a car, I don't just stand and watch. I do something. I back away a bit lest I get hurt by the shrapnel. But that's about the extent of my efforts. Because I am a law abiding citizen. I do just what the government would have done in the same situation. And anybody who thinks otherwise, I dare him to prove me wrong.

Potholes on the road and people swerving at high speeds to avoid them increasing the probability of squashing the old lady trying to cross!! Who does anything? Where is the highways department? You think something's gonna be done don't you, yep, optimistic race that we are. I know otherwise. They're like Dopey. I just avoid the potholes like everyone. I swerve all the same and hope that somebody's already squashed the old lady before I get there. The government's facing a population crisis anyway. And don't worry about the mess on the road once she's run over. The Muncipality is probably going to clean it up in a week or so, or it'll rot and disappear anyway. Much like everything else does around here.

There is a line outside the electricity office. People are queing up to pay the bill. Why should they queue up? I thought it was computerised now. Seems the operators were faster doing it manually than on a computer. But you can't fire them can you? Or else the people will get enraged. The old man with the tiffin box in hand doesn't mind standing in line. He's probably part of a government office too. It doesn't matter to him whether he's late to work or not. As long as the people struggling with PC's at the counter have their jobs, he's going to have his. He's safe till the next elections. He can stand in line. He's helping create one someplace else where he probably does the same thing. Why do I care? I don't have to stand in line. I try and scan the place for a guy who looks like Dopey. He'll be there. I know that as much as every one of us does. He's there everywhere. You just have to keep your eyes open. I find him near the gate. 20 bucks extra ensures my Bill is paid before the others. I am free to go. No queues here. I walk past the line. The queue is longer. The old man is still there, sweating it out now. The tiffin has gone above his head trying to block out the sun. I smile at him when I walk past. Thank you Dopey.

The railways, the ministries, the police, the roads, the ration shops, the bureaucracy, everybody. And his Royal Highness just sleeps on. On my desk. And I stop working and think. Well, why not? It's working for him isn't it? Look how peaceful he is. He's been sleeping for an eternity. And he probably always will.

   [ POSTED BY d_tox_ed @ 9:26 AM ] [ 6 comments ]

Impressionism Anyone ??

    Tuesday, May 15, 2007  

Google Adsense.

Google Analytics.

Like everything else that's been "Google'd" nowadays, and so has my blog mind you, google now has a tool to direct visitors to my page. Took me a month to figure out that Google Analytics just analysed who read my blog (which is nobody) rather than direct readers to it (which is also nobody). So basically, I spent a day and a half of my time trying to reach out to nobody only to find out nobody was there already. But in a nutshell, I found out that putting up my blog address on my gmail status (ironically also by google) roped in far more visitors in a week, than adsense did in a month. So that was that.

Anyway, one of those readers who did happen to chance by my blog told me that I write like an "impressionist". Now that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me either. I mean she might have as well told me that my blog contains "traces of neonatal post renaissance inferences" for all the sense it made in the world to me. It's like you're walking along downtown New Delhi one day and a Chinese guy walks up and tells you in stuttering French that the way to Nigeria is through determination. The only thing you can say then is "Duh!!"

But I'm not one of those who is prone to saying "Duh!!" that often, so I just stared with my mouth wide open. Not one to let bygones go, I googled (note the irony here too) up "impressionism" to find out what it really meant. What I got was that it was mostly authors who conveyed the subjects feelings instead of objects and incidents, and that it was mostly Ukranians who did it. (Wonder why the Chinese fella was trying to send me to Nigeria then. I don't know anybody settled in Nigeria, let alone Ukranian immigrants). But to cut a long story short, now armed with the knowledge of what impressionism was, I wanted to find out if stuff I wrote here, was really impressionism. One look at the blog was enough to make me go...."Blimey!!! No way bub!!"

I mean look at it. Does anything I ever write resemble impressionism? I mean I talk about girls and ugly chicks and their figures and stupid people and their dumbness and the stupidity of Bill Clinton and the way my roommate's face resembles a cow's hindquarters. I mean there is no way that can be called impressionistic. The only impression i ever got out of that was an outline of a foot on my hindquarters after my roommate read what I had written and planted his forelegs on my bumper. Now If I were to sit back and think what I was actually feeling when I wrote all that, all the blog would have had would be "hee hee .... tee hee hee... Damn!!! ha ha ... Oh my god!!! Hehe". But you're not reading through pages and pages of "hee hee ha ha" are you? That proves it doesn't it??

I rest my case milord.

   [ POSTED BY d_tox_ed @ 9:57 AM ] [ 5 comments ]

Sarcasm Topped With a Dash of Irony Please

    Monday, May 14, 2007  

Everybody has a favourite flavour. My ex (or one of them, can't remember which) liked vanilla. Mine, of late seems to be sarcasm topped with a sprinkling of irony. Honestly, I have become the most morbidly depressing person around for a mile.

Take for example this one incident which happened when I was waiting outside an ATM for cash. There was this ugly chick in line in front of me. Now that itself I found ironic coz you can't, in my dictionary be an ugly chick....i mean you're either a chick or you're ugly...but whatever. So this ugly chick (henceforth referred to as UC) is standing in line in front of me and she's talking aloud on the phone with some other person (referenced henceforth by --- since I couldn't hear what he/she said). I could hear only one side of the conversation, and here's how it went...

UC: Hey dude...what's up?


UC: No, nothing like that. Just called coz I had come to your colony to go to the ATM.

Me muttering: (Now why would he/she wanna know that?? Worser still...why do I have to hear this!! Anyway, continuing...)

UC: Oh, no I won't come over. I have to go to the beauty parlour after this.

(I almost choked trying to stifle my laugh here)


Me muttering: (I wonder if the irony in that statement ever struck her. It's like me going to a Gym!! Hell, maybe that's why she came to the ATM. To take out cash to go to the beauty parlour coz they probably overcharge her to work on her. Hey...but even that's not gonna change the way you look. Money only goes so far!!! But nice nice me...just kept silent!!)

UC: Oh, you know my husband, he bought this huge suitcase. 4000 bucks. Can you imagine?


Me muttering: (I don't know who you're talking to lady, but I couldn't have for the death of me imagined that you'd call me up simply because you're in my colony to tell me your hubby bought a suitcase. Speaking of which, I really think you're lucky to have a hubby. Is he blind?? )

UC: No. I'm leaving next week. I had all these trinkets I didn't pack yet. I was planning on leaving them or taking a small bag. My husband asked me if I needed something. I said I don't know. Was just wondering there's so much stuff. And he went out and bought this huge suitcase. How dumb can you be?


Me muttering: (Frustrated to the point of hanging myself now!!! Damn ATM queues take so long.... Anyway, get the point lady. Your hubby wants you out. Did he get his eyes operated? )

UC: That's what I'm saying, he's always so extravagant. I couldn't imagine. 4000 bucks. Any simple bag would've done. He bought such a huge thing. I don't even know how to tell my parents. Why would he buy something so expensive? It's so ridiculous. Guys are such sticklers for quality. I should've gone shopping myself.

Me muttering: (That proves it. He got his eyes worked on. That's why he bought something so expensive. He probably didn't want to risk you coming back because of broken baggage. And you said it yourself. Guys are sticklers for quality. Just imagine where you stand then?? )


Anyway, I won't bother you with the details of the rest of the conversation lest you think I'm putting you through the same misery I had to undergo there. But nonetheless, you do get the point. And unless the nurse smashed a table on your head the minute you were born, you would remember the point was how ironic and sarcastic I had become. I mean I look at gardens and think ....geez, what a collosal waste of land. It's unlike the way I normally am, but that's how it is now. I am hoping it improves before I apply for a job in kindergarten to teach pornography to kids. But then again, at this point of time, I think it's a damn fine idea. Lets see.

   [ POSTED BY d_tox_ed @ 9:05 AM ] [ 8 comments ]

Who Let the Blog Out !!!

    Monday, May 07, 2007  

I guess I've decided to do a lot more with my life now that I've kind of finally realised that I've got nothing to scribble on my headstone when I'm two feet underground. I mean not much you can say about a guy like me that would sound worthwhile etched indelibly on stone. For a while I figured I was going to have something like....


But then I figured that'd be kinda disconcerting to put on a gravestone and might offend the sentiments of the nearby bodies who might then be inclined to give me a bad time in hell, that is figuring they have the same number of crimes as me...I mean if that's the criteria for going to hell..technically....whatever...!!!

Anyway, the crux of the story is that I've decided to do a lot more with my life. I mean substantially enough to generate enough writing material to warrant asking for supplementary gravestones to be attached to the main you do in exams where you know a lot of the answers...or if you're going to hell like me....just have a book open for copying underneath the desk. Whatever the reason, one of the things I'm going to do a lot more of, is blogging. Now I know I've been blogging off and on and off and on, and haven't blogged as much as I'd have liked to, but I swear on the heads of the three blind mice and humpty dumpty's wall-fallen-broken arse...that I am going to do it. Not daily or weekly or even biannually....Just more often. If you know what that means.

Speaking of which, i hardly think anyone from the sophisticated gender would be inclined to visit my space unless they had a loaded shotgun stuffed in their mouths with a wicked looking Amrish Puri standing over it laughing his ass off looking at a helpless Akshay Kumar with his hands tied behind his back drinking his way through a river of Thums Up trying to free Jackie Shroff who is ultimately meant to save the day....phew!!! And we all know how effective that's going to be!!! an effort to stop depressing the ladies who do lose their way online and reach my blog....unless you're following the story above and have been compelled to... I have taken my picture out. Plus it was scaring the kids. So I figured I'd put someone up who more or less resembled me and so here he is. The guy staring at you on the left now, is Orson Welles. For the illiterate ... Orson Welles is the bloke who wrote a book in 1984 and is still living off the royalties. Oh...and he opened an animal farm too. Old Mc Donald's farm. The eeaa eeaaoh guy. Go google him up you moron. And till then, adios.

   [ POSTED BY d_tox_ed @ 10:42 AM ] [ 3 comments ]